One year ago today, I endured my second miscarriage.
The first occurred on August 20th, a mere 4 months prior.
This baby was our “rainbow baby.”
We excitedly announced our happy news with our friends and family on Thanksgiving Day.
On December 16th, I joined some of my Circle Sisters and fellow Church members in volunteering at the Operation Christmas Child warehouse. While on a quick bathroom break, I noticed that I was bleeding. I immediately called Danny and began even feeling weak, as the bleeding seemed to be unwilling to stop.
He came, picked me up, and took me home. It was late in the day and a call to the midwife calmed us a bit… with her suggesting that I was likely experiencing a subchorionic hemorrhage which wasn’t all that uncommon and that with a quick visit the following morning, we would know for sure.
Nothing really changed through the night. No increase or decrease in the bleeding… and at just over 12 weeks gestation, we felt confident that this was just a minor issue and that we would walk away from our visit with an answer for how to manage it. After all, tons of women experience bleeding in the midst of perfectly healthy pregnancies.
Unfortunately, we were wrong. Within just minutes of beginning an ultrasound, the midwife confirmed that she was unable to find a heartbeat.
Devastated doesn’t even really fully describe how we felt in that moment.
We chose to return home and proceed with a “natural” miscarriage… as if there really is such a thing. It is never natural to experience the pains of labor without the end result being a baby to hold. But with a pregnancy that was 4 more weeks along than my previous pregnancy loss, this experience was significantly different. More painful, more emotional, and definitively harder to endure.
I did my best to remain strong and focused on the Lord…
And by the grace of God, I came out of that time with a deepened faith and gratefulness to God for all that I have.
In the days that followed, the beautifully heart-wrenching song “Glory Baby,” by Watermark was shared with me…
The lyrics of this song helped me to find healing and peace in seeing my sweet babies, both Noel, who we named because of this sweet baby’s birth being so close to Christmas, and Quin, who left us just 4 months earlier, as being in the care of Jesus, experiencing Heaven ahead of me.
As I listened to this song again today, the lyrics brought tears as they do every time I hear them… but it also brought to mind a precious picture to me of Noel & Quin and how similar it might very well be to this sweet picture that my sister captured of their earthly sisters, my adorable Ellie & Emme…
They are just 14 months apart in age and for some reason, watching these girls interact with each other on a daily basis… playing together, sweetly caring for each other, and loving on one another, makes me feel like there just might be a chance that my heavenly babies may be enjoying a similarly sweet relationship as they spend their days praising the Lord and enjoying all that Heaven offers… just a bit before we do.